


I Can't

by norwegian_galaxies



Series: No Matter What [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Fluff, Human AU, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Punk!Norway, Surgery, because spoilers, i can't say anything else, not really nerdy denmark but he kinda acts like one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-21 04:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15550080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norwegian_galaxies/pseuds/norwegian_galaxies
Summary: Matthias and his punk boyfriend, Lukas, go on a date.Meanwhile, the Dane hides a secret about his most recent surgery, and it's not exactly what you'd think.Human names are used, as in most of my fanfics.





	1. Chapter 1

_Tired._

That was all Matthias could think before he flopped face-first on his bed.

It had been such a long day. He was finally out of the hospital after his most recent surgery. "Most recent" as in, most likely, "last". At least, he hoped it was the last. When he was in high school and college, he'd been beat up so many times. He'd gone to the hospital for so many different surgeries. But now, he'd moved away from that awful place, and because of his most recent surgery, he was extremely exhausted, but also extremely happy.

The weight he'd carried for years was finally gone.

He fell asleep, smiling at that.

*

He awoke to the doorbell, and immediately stood up, tripping down the stairs, and running up to the red front door.

He peeked through the tiny window at the top of the door, and saw a familiar face through it, sporting a familiar cross hairpin and an even more familiar stoic look. He excitedly opened the door and scooped the person up in his arms, squeezing him tightly. " _Ow_ ," the person grumbled, squirming around in his iron grip. " _For_ _God's sake_ , let me go, Matthias. You just saw me three days ago."

Matthias promptly dropped the person, who landed lightly on his feet and straightened his black shirt. Today, his punk boyfriend wasn't wearing all his piercings and weird clothes, Matthias noticed. "Sorry, I just missed you, Lukas," he apologized, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

Lukas rolled his eyes, but a small, rare smile graced his lips. "It's good to see you, too." He reached up and poked the Dane's cheek. Their height difference wasn't as big and awkward as it used to be, but he still had to reach a fair amount of distance to reach Matthias' face. "I swear, you're like a dog."

Matthias laughed the comment off, and beckoned Lukas inside. The Norwegian walked through the open door and stepped inside, and Matthias closed the door behind them. " _Soooo_ , Lukas? Notice anything different about me?"

Lukas frowned, giving the Dane a good once-over with his indigo eyes, before sighing in a bored manner. "Let me guess. You made your hair even messier than usual?" Matthias gave him a look. Lukas shrugged. "Well, I don't know. What?"

Matthias sighed, exasperated, but didn't answer. Although, he did look in the mirror when they made it into the living room, and his hair was, indeed, messier than usual. He hadn't fixed it before he'd gone downstairs. "So, why'd you come over?"

Lukas blushed, and he kicked the ground with his black boots. "We haven't gone anywhere for a while together, so I was wondering if you wanted to spend some time with me."

Matthias shrugged. "Sure. Just let me get dressed, okay? I'm still wearing my clothes from yesterday."

Lukas nodded. "Go ahead, I'll be waiting down here."

The Dane made his way upstairs and stripped quickly, looking around his room for some clean clothes, mentally cursing himself for not doing the laundry before he left for surgery. He eventually found a pair of boxers in his closet (why they were there, he had no idea) and a hoodie and jeans, and threw them on, putting on some deodorant and fixing his hair a little. If he and his boyfriend were going on a date (which was, in fact, going to be their first date in MONTHS), he wanted to at least look presentable. He walked downstairs and sat down on the first step, pulling on his socks and shoes.

Lukas stood by the door, watching him, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "Are you ready to go?" He asked, tilting his head. His bangs fell in front of his right eye.

Matthias nodded and stood up from the step. "So, where are we going?"

"Not sure," Lukas replied, fiddling with the black cross on his necklace. "Somewhere, I know that."

Matthias noticed that Lukas had brought his car, too. _Hm_. Lukas usually either brought his motorcycle, or hitched a ride with his brother. But Matthias knew this was Lukas' car, it was a beautiful, deep blue. Lukas' brother's car was silver. "So, what's up with you today?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at his boyfriend.

"Nothing, I just didn't feel like driving a 'death machine'," Lukas replied airily. He opened the car door and got inside, slamming it shut.

Matthias followed, opening the passenger's side door. He immediately smelled cigarettes and cringed. "No, I mean...your piercings and clothes." He got inside and left the door open so the vehicle could air out. Matthias may've loved Lukas, but he did _not_ love his habit of smoking.

"Oh, that?" Lukas frowned over at Matthias. "That was an accident." He faced the wheel once again, pulling the keys off his belt loop, and jamming them in the ignition. He backed out of the driveway and pulled out onto the street.

Matthias studied his boyfriend's arms, which were covered in black tattoos of Norse runes and dragons and such. And then, he saw the red heart tattooed on his wrist, outlined in black, and in the middle was "M + L". _Matthias + Lukas_. That was new. Matthias had never seen that one before, Lukas must have gotten it while he was at the hospital. "Nice tattoo," he said, quietly.

"Which one?" Lukas snorted.

"The heart," Matthias replied, biting his lip.

Lukas looked at Matthias out of the corners of his eyes, then his eyes flicked back to the road as pink shaded his face. He smiled a little. "Thank you."

*

They ended up spending some time at a music store. Matthias was marveling over the beautiful pianos they had. Meanwhile, Lukas asked the manager if he could play one of the violins, and the manager took one look at all of the Norwegian's tattoos and shook his head. But then Matthias noticed what was going on and demanded that Lukas get to play the violin (he may or may not have bribed the manager).

After they left the music store, they walked around aimlessly, before eventually reaching an ice cream shop. Matthias got a scoop of peanut butter, a scoop of chocolate, a scoop of strawberry, and a scoop of cheesecake, all on one cone, while Lukas just got blueberry ice cream with dark chocolate syrup.

"That looks absolutely disgusting," he commented as he stared at all the scoops of different-flavored ice cream melting together on Matthias' ice cream cone.

"Say what you want," Matthias said, sticking out his tongue. "But _I_ think it's delicious."

Eventually, Lukas demanded to try some of Matthias' ice cream and snatched the cone from the Dane, who cried out in dismay, and took a big, long lick. He narrowed his indigo eyes, handed the cone back to his boyfriend, and sat there staring at the ground, puzzling for a very, very long time.

Matthias waved his hand in front of Lukas' face. "Hej, Lukas, you okay?"

"I don't understand how that was so good," Lukas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Matthias snickered.

*

And as usual, somehow Lukas had gotten inside his head again. Matthias moaned softly as the punk kissed the soft skin of his neck, his teeth occasionally grazing his throat. Lukas was always such a tease. He didn't mind though.

This was always how it was after a date; how they said goodbye. Yes, they knew they were acting like horny teenagers. But they couldn't help themselves.

Matthias felt cold fingers exploring the expanse of skin just underneath the bottom of his shirt, and shivered. Why, oh, _why_ was Lukas always so cold?

After a few more minutes of being teased, he pushed Lukas away, sighing. As usual, the Norwegian huffed angrily, and Matthias shook his head at him again. "Not tonight, Lukas. You need to go home."

"You always say that," Lukas sighed, though the stoic expression remained on his face. "All right, I'll see you tomorrow."

Matthias embraced the Norwegian again and kissed him, and then Lukas walked out the door.

Matthias sighed and looked at the newest marks on his neck in the mirror. He really wished that he and Lukas could go farther than just...well, _fore_ -foreplay (that's what he called it, anyway). But hopefully, in a few more days, they would. A few more days, and there would be hardly any proof of what he once had been.

What had he once been?

A girl, that's what.

Matthias had finally gotten top surgery.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been brought to light by a very kind user that not everything in here is totally accurate, and I did more research and sure enough, it was not. I will try to edit this to make it so.

Matthias always had crazy dreams.

But he'd never been woken up by one before.

And he had definitely never had a panic attack in the middle of the night.

Once he calmed down enough to breathe properly, he tried to think about his dream, and what, exactly, had happened in it. However, he couldn't remember. He just remembered waking up, screaming, and then trying to breathe, but it hurt, and it was too hot, and it was all just too much.

He yanked his comforter off his head and sighed. It was nothing new to wake up underneath the warm piece of fabric, but he had never had trouble breathing or with the temperature of it, before.

He guessed it was because he was already worked up over his dream.

Nevertheless, he called Lukas to come over.

Lukas wasn't asleep, as usual, so he drove over immediately, cigarette between his fingers when Matthias opened the door. He coughed, smelling the cigarettes, and waved the air. Lukas threw it on the ground and stomped on it. "Yes?" He asked, frowning expectantly up at Matthias.

"I had a bad dream," the Dane said, biting his lip.

"Mhm?" Lukas hummed, looking concerned. Matthias knew Lukas had a soft spot for people with bad dreams (his little brother, Emil, definitely had a lot of them). And yet, he had never expected that Lukas would actually offer to sleep with him.

Which he did.

Matthias let Lukas inside, and took off his boyfriend's jacket for him and hung it up on the coatrack in the mudroom. Unlike earlier, Lukas was wearing his piercings, and he reeked strongly of cigarette smoke. But to the Dane, just seeing another person calmed him down a little more.

"So," Lukas said, quietly, sitting down next to Matthias on the edge of his bed.

"So..." Matthias trailed off, looking over at him.

"What happened in your dream?"

The wild blonde sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I have no idea, but it must have been pretty bad, because it woke me up, and I had a panic attack because I could barely breathe."

The Norwegian tilted his head in curiosity. "Why couldn't you breathe?"

"I don't know," Matthias replied. "My chest ached pretty bad, whenever I tried. It was all tight, and stuff." He gestured to his chest, which was still clothed by the hoodie he'd thrown on before climbing gratefully into bed.

Lukas frowned. "Maybe it was because of what you were wearing, or you were laying on your stomach? Or wrapped up in the sheets?" Matthias shook his head no, and the younger chewed on his lip in confusion. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Nope," Matthias sighed, yawning. He was starting to get tired again.

But as Lukas's black-finger-nailed hands reached towards his hoodie, he let out a loud squeak and smacked his boyfriend's hands away.

Yes, he knew it was childish. But why had he done it? He was still wearing the binder that was covering his wounds from the surgery. He didn't want Lukas to see them, as he may have definitely not told Lukas about his being...well, transgender.

And he definitely didn't want him to find out this way.

Yes, he'd tried telling Lukas so many times, but he always ended up chickening out at the last second and making some dumb joke as an excuse for whatever he'd said to start the conversation.

Lukas rubbed his hand. "Ow," he hissed. _Oops_. Matthias had hit his hand a lot harder than he'd intended, apparently. "What the Hell was that for, Dane? That hurt. I was just trying to see if you wearing anything underneath that hoodie."

"I'm not," Matthias replied, way too quickly.

This was a red flag for Lukas. "Matthias, I'm trying to help you, but I can't help you unless you tell me the truth and let me." The Dane looked down at his feet. "Matthias?" The Norwegian asked, gently, reaching out his hand again and setting it on Matthias' shoulder. "You don't need to hide anything from me."

He'd never been afraid of Lukas judging him for anything until now. Lukas criticized everything and everyone in the world around him, including Matthias. But it was never enough to truly hurt the Dane or break his heart. And yet, now, he was so afraid of showing him this one thing about himself that he couldn't change.

He chanced a look over at Lukas again. And he saw the red heart tattooed on his boyfriend's wrist.

Seeing it reminded him about how much Lukas still loved him, despite all of his less-than-charming attributes; despite how obnoxious and loud he was, despite his depression, despite his anxiety...Lukas still loved him despite all of it.

Lukas wouldn't push him away.

And realizing that, he squeezed his eyes shut, and slowly pulled off the hoodie.

After a few seconds of sitting in the silence, Matthias felt a cold hand on his chest. He opened one blue eye to see his boyfriend staring at his chest, and slowly opened the other eye, waiting for some other kind of reaction, other than a hand on his chest.

Then, Lukas smiled. It was a small smile, as usual, but his indigo eyes were full of so much...well, love. He took his hand off of Matthias' chest and hugged him.

Matthias felt the dam break, finally, and he started crying and laughing, holding his boyfriend closer.

"Dammit, Dane, why didn't you tell me when we started dating?" Lukas asked, pulling out of the hug, crossing his arms.

Matthias wiped his eyes. "I thought you'd hate me," he said, giving the punk a rueful smile.

"Of course I wouldn't hate you," Lukas replied, his eyes wide. "Why would I hate you for that? You weren't comfortable in your own body, so you changed it so you would be. I do that all the time, just in a different way." He gestured to all his tattoos and piercings, then he frowned. "But please don't hide something like that from me ever again. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

Matthias started to put the hoodie on (the air conditioning was getting to be pretty cold), but Lukas stopped him.

"So, that must have been what was hurting you," Lukas said, touching the binder.

"No, it's not hurting me," Matthias replied, blushing slightly due to the contact. "I think it was either my dream or the memory of wearing something tight there."

"Well, just in case," the punk sighed, "how long do you have to keep it on?"

"A few more days."

"A few more days," Lukas nodded, removing his hand once again. The Dane smiled, still so relieved. He thought that all the weight he'd carried had been gone after he'd come home from surgery, but now, he felt completely light. He laughed, and pulled Lukas to him again, pressing kisses all over his face. "Hey, stop that," he snapped, though not really even trying to do anything to stop the Dane.

"Thank you," Matthias said, before kissing him, combing his fingers through his boyfriend's beautiful light blonde hair.

"For what?" Lukas asked, after pulling away, their lips only centimeters apart.

"For being the best boyfriend in the world," the Dane answered.

Lukas rolled his indigo eyes at how cliché that was, before kissing him again and laying down in the Dane's bed. Matthias laid down next to him and sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Lukas twisted the knob on the lamp, turning it off, and his boyfriend whimpered, pulling him closer, wrapping his warm arms around him tightly.

"God dammit, your skin's still freezing, though," Matthias hissed, as Lukas wrapped his arms securely around his neck.

"Shut up," Lukas said, tiredly, placing one of his hands over Matthias' mouth, though pulling it away a few seconds later and wiping it on the sheets in disgust. "Did you just lick my hand?"

Matthias didn't answer, and instead just chuckled, pulling the covers back up, before kissing his boyfriend's forehead. "Night," he said, before rolling on his back again, yawning.

Lukas sighed as he looked back down at Matthias, who was shamelessly out in the open now, and touched his chest again. He was still shocked that it was what Matthias had been so scared of him seeing.

If Matthias could do it, so could he.

He smiled a little, and took off his shirt, where there was another new tattoo. There was something written there that he was a little afraid of the Dane seeing, too, but he'd been waiting long enough to show it off. A whole six months, in fact.

It was another heart, and it was right over where his own was beating inside his body.

What it said was no mystery. He was sure that Matthias would like it. And he was sure that now would be a good time to ask.

_Før jeg møtte deg, innså jeg aldri hvor tomt livet mitt var. Vil du gifte deg med meg?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation: Before I met you, I never realized how empty my life was. Will you marry me? 
> 
> I love these two so much. I hope you enjoyed reading this, as usual :)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this little story one day while I was thinking about great it would be for me to finally get top surgery myself. As a transboy myself, I know exactly how Matthias feels. And it's pretty bad -_-
> 
> Oh, and by the way, you're probably wondering why I've enabled comment moderation on all of my stuff. Well, it's because I got some very hurtful and scathing reviews on fanfiction.net when I was active on there, and, well, I don't mean to say that any of you are going to do such things, but I just don't want that to happen again. And especially not on this fanfic, as it contains some topics that are pretty controversial (at least, to the people around me).


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